lalalalabiilne, rahunesin maha ja muutusin uuesti ilusaks, kas nüüd on sentimeeter juures?
vahel on kõikvõimas tunne, teate. ja lihtsalt hea.
hehehehehe
9 months ago
21.8.10
inimlikkus, kahju
appi, appi,
Vana madli tuli korraks tagasi, ja ma pean oma sõrmed ükshaaval oma kinnisideest lahti kangutama ja laskma endal kukkuda,
nii kohutav on ennast jälle kohata ja ära tunda.
Ei, ma ei suudaks neid korraga näha, ja võibolla pean suutma. Miks ma pean suutma asju, mida ma ei suuda?
Sest lõpuks me vist suudame neid.
See ei ole minu arusaam kasvamisest.
See on minu arusaam kasvamisest.
Miks meil elu jooksul nii palju "tarkusehambaid" peab tulema? Miks need on seotud just lähedaste inimestega?
appi
Vana madli tuli korraks tagasi, ja ma pean oma sõrmed ükshaaval oma kinnisideest lahti kangutama ja laskma endal kukkuda,
nii kohutav on ennast jälle kohata ja ära tunda.
Ei, ma ei suudaks neid korraga näha, ja võibolla pean suutma. Miks ma pean suutma asju, mida ma ei suuda?
Sest lõpuks me vist suudame neid.
See ei ole minu arusaam kasvamisest.
See on minu arusaam kasvamisest.
Miks meil elu jooksul nii palju "tarkusehambaid" peab tulema? Miks need on seotud just lähedaste inimestega?
appi
20.8.10
kontsadega päevade erinevustest
võibolla jõudsin eile palju rohkem ära teha
aga tänases päevas oli naeratusi
ja salaja taas ootamine
aga tänases päevas oli naeratusi
ja salaja taas ootamine
17.8.10
kontsadega päev
Ma olen vist ringiga tagasi Tallinna jõudnud, võibolla paar päeva veel kogunen. Koledad inimesed vahelduvad ilusatega pidevalt.
Proovid algasid ja etendused käivad, ma peaksin jõhkralt töötama, hah.
Ma hakkasin jälle ootama, iga nädal...?
Proovid algasid ja etendused käivad, ma peaksin jõhkralt töötama, hah.
Ma hakkasin jälle ootama, iga nädal...?
15.8.10
tummana
Üks sõna, võibolla, see ka välja pigistatud,
tänan ja palun, silmad vaatavad ainiti otse, mööda.
Ma ei mõista mitte kunagi, millal hoida eemale või ligi, millal tohib naerda või vaikida,
ma ei usu, et kunagi endale selle lubatud tordi saan kinkida.
Ma olin tahtnud öelda mingeid asju ja taas läks kõik teisiti, aga kuidas õppida seisma sellel kõikuval jalgealusel ja pidada seda normaalseks?
Head ööd, head ööd, ma lähen võtan enda ümbert kinni.
tänan ja palun, silmad vaatavad ainiti otse, mööda.
Ma ei mõista mitte kunagi, millal hoida eemale või ligi, millal tohib naerda või vaikida,
ma ei usu, et kunagi endale selle lubatud tordi saan kinkida.
Ma olin tahtnud öelda mingeid asju ja taas läks kõik teisiti, aga kuidas õppida seisma sellel kõikuval jalgealusel ja pidada seda normaalseks?
Head ööd, head ööd, ma lähen võtan enda ümbert kinni.
6.8.10
adrenaline
Heart rate is speeding up. Most of the others have reached Dagö by now, our ultimate destination for the dance festival, and oh, how many friends and colleagues I have there, and damn, how I miss them.
It was my mantra two nights ago.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
I did not even understand, why it was so important to repeat it in my mind that night, but there is many things I don't understand anyway. I saw bad dreams after that, the people I missed, situations I did not miss at all, and then work, a lot of complicated and tiring work, I did not like those dreams.
But things got better after this yearning, I started to communicate with people here a little bit more, and I got to laugh several times.
I am still in Ormsö, and maybe it might have been okay to leave tonight and try to be there for Nele's and Flo's performance, but I felt I need to do this here properly. When it comes to my school work, too much has been not completed this year, too much unfinished business that I have to redo this year, so I try my best to have one done.
It is not easy here, it has not been, and sometimes I have forgotten my task, but I have been a very good girl,
and by that I mean a Very Good Girl, proud to myself and stuff. The one who hides her yearning very well and almost does not crave for something else on every moment. The one who lets the heart rate speed up, but who does not show it, just knows it. The one who does not yawn in public and the one who tries to listen. Tries to notice. Tries to focus and tries to learn...
My biggest hope is, that I am smart enough to learn from the things going on around me.
---
See selleks. Olen pidanud liiga filosoofiliselt vestlema vist inimestega viimasel ajal, ja need on olnud väga erilised väga tavalised inimesed, aga jälle (ja miks igast reisist?) peaksin oma pea korraks selgeks raputama.
Ma olen väga lahti, sulan kergesti asjade sisse ära.
See oli teine kord, kui mul kästi deadline panna, ja see oli jälle mees. Et miks ma raiskan oma aega. Aga aega, seda meil ju on? Või on see tõesti nii loetud?
Ja praegu, ja juba kaua, olen mõelnud, et aeg võib ju minna raisku, aga vähemalt olen raisanud seda tundmisele, mitte seda lihtsalt mööda saatnud.
Ma igatsen nii väga.
It was my mantra two nights ago.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
I did not even understand, why it was so important to repeat it in my mind that night, but there is many things I don't understand anyway. I saw bad dreams after that, the people I missed, situations I did not miss at all, and then work, a lot of complicated and tiring work, I did not like those dreams.
But things got better after this yearning, I started to communicate with people here a little bit more, and I got to laugh several times.
I am still in Ormsö, and maybe it might have been okay to leave tonight and try to be there for Nele's and Flo's performance, but I felt I need to do this here properly. When it comes to my school work, too much has been not completed this year, too much unfinished business that I have to redo this year, so I try my best to have one done.
It is not easy here, it has not been, and sometimes I have forgotten my task, but I have been a very good girl,
and by that I mean a Very Good Girl, proud to myself and stuff. The one who hides her yearning very well and almost does not crave for something else on every moment. The one who lets the heart rate speed up, but who does not show it, just knows it. The one who does not yawn in public and the one who tries to listen. Tries to notice. Tries to focus and tries to learn...
My biggest hope is, that I am smart enough to learn from the things going on around me.
---
See selleks. Olen pidanud liiga filosoofiliselt vestlema vist inimestega viimasel ajal, ja need on olnud väga erilised väga tavalised inimesed, aga jälle (ja miks igast reisist?) peaksin oma pea korraks selgeks raputama.
Ma olen väga lahti, sulan kergesti asjade sisse ära.
See oli teine kord, kui mul kästi deadline panna, ja see oli jälle mees. Et miks ma raiskan oma aega. Aga aega, seda meil ju on? Või on see tõesti nii loetud?
Ja praegu, ja juba kaua, olen mõelnud, et aeg võib ju minna raisku, aga vähemalt olen raisanud seda tundmisele, mitte seda lihtsalt mööda saatnud.
Ma igatsen nii väga.
3.8.10
Islandmadli
I think I have written this before,
it sounds very familiar.
Dirt roads and blackberries, burning sun and dragonflies, low fences and stone roofs, i am reading Important Texts between juniper bushes and interviewing Cool People with accompanying red currant liquor. And sometimes I am filming my relatives working.
No, actually this is very serious, I am supposed to get graded for it.
Give me more of this islandmadli.
*
I was not talked to. Sadness in a very small way.
it sounds very familiar.
Dirt roads and blackberries, burning sun and dragonflies, low fences and stone roofs, i am reading Important Texts between juniper bushes and interviewing Cool People with accompanying red currant liquor. And sometimes I am filming my relatives working.
No, actually this is very serious, I am supposed to get graded for it.
Give me more of this islandmadli.
*
I was not talked to. Sadness in a very small way.
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