korraks

möödunud detsembri alguse muusikad

meenutuseks

Getting lighter

I think I might step on their toes less times now,

but I can't be sure. 

Christmas is never easy, the day after is so much less tiring - no worries with the food or trees or presents or kids or parents or church parking or calming the f*** down or fitting a horde into a kitchen or a living room or a toilet or a bedroom and so on endlessly. After Christmas night everything just calms down, and the parents are friends again, and the brother got his sleep, and the kids are not bored, and your mind is hushed, lulled asleep with cakes and candles and so much hot beverages. 

And you get to drive to south to check on the summer cottage and walk, or rather tread in the white softness between the snow-coated apple trees and climb the cellar stairs for some pickles. You get to spend the slowest evening making lemon curd with so much love - and it is too much - and then you find out OF COURSE it could never be too much, it is lemon curd, after all. And the church is not annoying today for your inner atheist, because the little kids reading the gospel are just interesting enough, and in truth you get to sing most of the time anyway since it is a perfectly Lutheran church. 

And you get to wear the panties Santa brought you. Which is sort of hilarious. And you can think a lot about winter solstice and days of darkness and mythologies and so on, and you almost don't notice the restlessness that wants to whisper about some other things you would like to do. The day is enough as it is. 

Häid jõule meile siis.

Kannatamatus

Uned, lõpuks

Raputasin end vägisi unedest lahti.
Võõras rüütlinimega lasteaiapoiss põristas kõrvaltoas robotitega lennata.

Olen kulutanud nädalaga pea kõik detsembriks mõeldud raha ja ei tunne end ikka veel tervena. Sessi lõppu tähistavad ohatised huultel ja peavalu jäänused ja Ana, kes kurdab, et ei oska enam juua.

Norras on lumi, nad eputavad.
---
As much as I would like to clear my head, everything makes me think of it. And I know all to well, that the moment I finally get over some Norwegian matters and start to enjoy EST for real, it is already time to return.

I am terribly fast to fall and terribly slow to overcome, it seems.

Only remembering Panda's breakfasts in bed consoles me a little.

Unspiration

This night - this morning? - I was so restless that I gave in and got up to write the mails I should have sent a few months ago. The actuality, the nowness of life suddenly caught up with me.
It had been a very hard day.
Step by step - I am not getting any closer to a wished end result of myself, because I have been already trying out different selves for so many years, and it is what it is. Exciting and boring almost at once. Concentrated and sprawled out. It never fully feels t h e r e, does it? Because albeit full of book stories and movie scenes, a lifetime is just long enough to sometimes feel intolerably dreary, precisely so uninspired to whine like a child. Are we there yet?

No, you are here, and you will always be right where you are at the moment, there and never there at the same time.

Täna on juba selline tsitaatide otsimise päev

Kui palju progerokki saab õppimise taustaks kuulata.

Aga varahommikul, peale piinarikast päeva, kergelt muserdatud, ent hella kohvitamist, viimaks enda hingamise tasakaalu saamist, peole lippamist, tundide kaupa hämaras ühikatoas tantsimist, laiska lumesõda ja kelgulendu märjana ja valutavana end koju naermist leidsin selle:

'For the perfect accomplishment of any art, you must get this feeling of the eternal present into your bones - for it is the secret of proper timing. No rush. No dawdle. Just the sense of flowing with the course of events in the same way that you dance to music, neither trying to outpace it nor lagging behind. Hurrying and delaying are alike ways of trying to resist the present, and in cooking they invariably show up in the form of spoiled food. To try to have time, that is, to move as quickly as possible into the future, gives you abstract food instead of real food. Instant coffee, for example, is a well-deserved punishment for being in a hurry to reach the future. So are TV dinners. So are the warmed-over nastinesses usually served on airplanes, which taste like the plastic trays and dishes on which they are served. So is that meat which is not roasted but heated through in thirty-second electronic ovens. So are mixtures of grape juice and alcohol, prepared in concrete vats, pretending to be wine.'

Alan W. Watts 'Murder in the kitchen' 

And oh, how I despise the taste and even smell of instant coffee.

Valu

Liigutan jälle,
ja kõik on valus,
kõik on juba aastaid olnud valus,
kas see ongi vanaks jäämine?

Ja jalad takerduvad, ja küljed ei liigu,
ma otseselt ei kaeba, lihtsalt lõpmatu nõudlikkus jälle,
tantsijad.

Thirst

Mõned inimesed hakkavad lahkuma, pereheitmine.
---
I call and I deter, because it seems impolite to express this thirst amongst strangers.

And I know it will get no better before I drink my fill from the relaxed pools of my own mind. I wish unwinding these paths would get easier.
---
Vanad muusikad tulid meelde