adrenaline

Heart rate is speeding up. Most of the others have reached Dagö by now, our ultimate destination for the dance festival, and oh, how many friends and colleagues I have there, and damn, how I miss them.

It was my mantra two nights ago.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.
I miss you so much.

I did not even understand, why it was so important to repeat it in my mind that night, but there is many things I don't understand anyway. I saw bad dreams after that, the people I missed, situations I did not miss at all, and then work, a lot of complicated and tiring work, I did not like those dreams.
But things got better after this yearning, I started to communicate with people here a little bit more, and I got to laugh several times.

I am still in Ormsö, and maybe it might have been okay to leave tonight and try to be there for Nele's and Flo's performance, but I felt I need to do this here properly. When it comes to my school work, too much has been not completed this year, too much unfinished business that I have to redo this year, so I try my best to have one done.
It is not easy here, it has not been, and sometimes I have forgotten my task, but I have been a very good girl,
and by that I mean a Very Good Girl, proud to myself and stuff. The one who hides her yearning very well and almost does not crave for something else on every moment. The one who lets the heart rate speed up, but who does not show it, just knows it. The one who does not yawn in public and the one who tries to listen. Tries to notice. Tries to focus and tries to learn...
My biggest hope is, that I am smart enough to learn from the things going on around me.
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See selleks. Olen pidanud liiga filosoofiliselt vestlema vist inimestega viimasel ajal, ja need on olnud väga erilised väga tavalised inimesed, aga jälle (ja miks igast reisist?) peaksin oma pea korraks selgeks raputama.
Ma olen väga lahti, sulan kergesti asjade sisse ära.

See oli teine kord, kui mul kästi deadline panna, ja see oli jälle mees. Et miks ma raiskan oma aega. Aga aega, seda meil ju on? Või on see tõesti nii loetud?
Ja praegu, ja juba kaua, olen mõelnud, et aeg võib ju minna raisku, aga vähemalt olen raisanud seda tundmisele, mitte seda lihtsalt mööda saatnud.

Ma igatsen nii väga.